


He Who Lights Up The World

by MeltedIceAngel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Crying, Gen, Goodbyes, Happy Ending, Nightmares, OCD, Selectively Mute Donghyuck, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-30 04:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20808278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeltedIceAngel/pseuds/MeltedIceAngel
Summary: Donghyuck didn’t have to receive the call.He hadn’t been there when the other members did.He had been sitting in a hospital waiting room, blood dry and stained on his hands as he waited for the doctor to return and tell him what he already knew.





	1. “In the long run, we are all dead.” (Donghyuck)

**Author's Note:**

> !!! - This is a prequel to my story "Second Chance." If you have not read that, please go read it. I know a lot of people aren't huge fans of character death and angst, but if you read the other story, it should make you feel much better.
> 
> I wanted to write this to create a bigger stake in the original story. I love the response so far, and I'm glad the emotion is coming off well, but I'd like for everyone to see the bigger picture of what happened and why Jaemin bringing Renjun back was so important. (Other than the obvious.) I want you to see the members reactions, feel how they felt, experience what they experienced. I think this is the best way. The initial blow...sorry. But if you've read my last story, you know everything turns out okay!

Donghyuck didn’t have to receive the call.  
  
He hadn’t been there when the other members did.  
  
He had been sitting in a hospital waiting room, blood dry and stained on his hands as he waited for the doctor to return and tell him what he already knew. He had considered washing up in the bathrooms just across the hall, but even the tiniest shift caused each person in the room to shift their gazes pityingly toward him. He’d rather remain invisible; swallowed up by the ugly colored cushion he was sat on.  
  
He didn’t know when Renjun’s parents were told, or when his parents relayed the information to their managers.  
  
He didn’t know when their managers told his members.  
  
He did know that at exactly 2:03, June 13, 2018, a man in a white coat came out from the ER doors and called his name.  
  
Donghyuck had stood shakily and stood before him, bowing low. The man gave him a terse look and sighed.  
  
“I’m sorry, but Renjun has expired.”  
  
Something in Donghyuck died that day.  
  
He remembered thanking the man and turning around, grabbing his and Renjun’s bags from the chair just beside the one he’d been seated in. He wanted to leave, but something was holding him back. Some sort of energy making the doors feel as hard to reach as those in a nightmare.  
  
“Would you like to say goodbye?” The doctor asked.  
  
Donghyuck followed him back. He knew what he was going to see when he opened those curtains. It had been Donghyuck that held him as they waited for the ambulance in the first place. It had been him that sat by Renjun’s side on the way there. Nothing about seeing him would be different, and yet, everything about it was just that.  
  
Renjun looked oddly peaceful at first glance. His eyes were closed, and face more relaxed than Donghyuck had seen even in the boy’s sleep. If it wasn’t for the gash splitting the right side of his head and the blackened eyes, Donghyuck would think he was sleeping.  
  
That’s what everyone always said, wasn’t it? If it wasn’t for this, they’d think the person was sleeping.  
  
Donghyuck sat down in the chair settled next to the side of the bed. He contemplated what to do before he reached for Renjun’s birth-marked hand, doing his best to be gentle. He wasn’t sure how damaged the limbs were, and something in him was still afraid to hurt his friend.  
  
He was afraid of feeling broken bones, more than that.  
  
Should he say something? There were a few words that came immediately to his mind. He was in shock and angry, and all he really wanted to do was scream at the man that caused this. He had plenty of words to say to him.  
  
He went to open his mouth and all that came out was a choked sob.  
  
At 2:15, June 13, 2018, NCT Dream lost another member.  
  
Donghyuck wailed. He screamed and tugged at his hair, ripping it right out of his head. He begged Renjun to wake up; to admit that this was a bad joke pulled by their managers for a high view count. He screamed at the doctor to do something -- anything -- because Renjun couldn’t die yet.  
  
He thought he had to be sleeping. He hadn’t woken up easily that morning, and it wasn’t crazy to think he had just fallen back to sleep.  
  
No, Renjun wasn’t dead. They could stitch up that head wound and ice the black eyes. They could reset his nose, put casts on his legs and right arm and he’d be fine. In a few years, he would be up and moving again, taking his rightful place in 127 beside him.  
  
A nurse came and hugged him. She soothed him with empty words and bullshit promises about how Renjun was in a better place.  
  
Donghyuck was enraged. How could she imply that Renjun being there with them was a lesser alternative?  
  
He said goodbye to his friend, his brother, and walked out silently. The blood and tears led to more stares as he walked out of the ER, but he didn’t stop until he was out in the parking lot. He had no way to get home.  
  
He would have to call his members or a manager to come to get him.  
  
For some reason, the thought toppled him over. His legs collapsed underneath him and he hit the concrete hard, the sound barely heard through his screams. Several people stopped to try and help him up or ask him if he needed someone. Some even asked if they needed to go get a nurse to bring him inside as if he was the one that had just been barrelled into by a speeding SUV.  
  
Eventually, someone grabbed his phone and dialed his emergency contact. Taeyong pulled up half an hour later, red-faced and tear-streaked. He kept his voice level for Donghyuck who had fallen into a numbness worse than his previous despair. He was no longer crying, screaming or pleading. He felt nothing. Life no longer felt real.  
  
He didn’t talk to anyone for ten months after that. People began to forget what Donghyuck’s voice sounded like outside of the recording studio.  
  
All of the members, when asked about the tragedy, would speak up and ask for it to never be mentioned.  
  
Donghyuck may have still been with them physically, but the more Renjun’s death was brought up as a talking point by interviewers, the farther away he became.  
  
The youngest two were afraid that one day, they’d wake up and Donghyuck wouldn’t be there at all.  
  



	2. Under the Knife (Chenle)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It hurts--Jisung, it hurts,” Chenle pounded at his chest as he cried, and Jisung jumped up to cradle his friend to him. Finally, the elder didn’t shove him away. “Renjun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The order of these is a little messed up, but I realized about halfway through this that it would be smarter to have Jaemin at the end to lead into 'Second Chance." Therefore, Jeno would also have to be moved to the end. 
> 
> ! - This scene is the most emotionally intense one I have written. If you are upset by self-harm, please turn away. The last scene where it looks into the future from the initial moment has that element.

Chenle was undoubtedly the most gullible member of NCT. Pair that with an overwhelming tragedy, and, well…

They should have known to keep a better eye on their eldest maknae.

It was Mark and Johnny that set the two youngest members down at seven pm that night. Five hours after they themselves had heard the news of their member’s crudely named ‘expiration.’ Three since Jaemin had run off with Jeno bolting after him, forcing the eldest Dream member to swear they wouldn’t be followed.

He had sworn, but Taeyong and Jaehyun had followed at a safe distance regardless.

“What’s going on, hyungs?” Jisung had asked, fidgeting on his bed. The words died in Mark’s throat at the fear on Jisung’s face.

“We’re not in trouble, are we?” Chenle asked a bit more playfully, but still nervous. 

“No, Lele,” Mark responded painfully. He wished that was all this conversation was about. 

“Then what?” Jisung asked, looking between his two hyungs. “Is this about Jaemin?” Of course Jisung would’ve noticed Jaemin’s exit from the dorm. 

“Sort of,” Johnny responded. Jisung and Chenle looked between each other, annoyance flashing on both of their faces.

“Please just tell us. Whatever it is, you’re not making it easier.” Chenle responded finally, serious tone completely unlike his usual Chenle-voice.

“Renjun was hit by a car today,” Johnny said finally, looking into each boy’s eyes. Jisung and Chenle’s mouths dropped open but no words were spoken. “He didn’t-”

“He’s going to be okay, right?” Chenle interrupted, the tears falling already. Jisung had buried his face in his hands, his upper body shaking with his cries. When no one responded, Chenle got down on his knees in front of Mark.

“No, don’t. Please tell me he’s okay.” Chenle begged, grabbing Mark’s shaking hands. “Please! Mark-hyung, _ please!_” Chenle was screaming. Jisung was in the background sobbing loudly, the sound of his best friend’s anguish ripping through him. 

“I’m sorry, Lele,” Mark whispered, taking a shaky breath in. A single tear fell out of his eyes.

“No,” Chenle said, standing up and backing away. “No! Where are the cameras? This is awful! Who put you up to this, because it’s not funny. None of our fans will think it’s funny either!” Chenle screamed. Jisung stood shakily and tried to wrap his arms around Chenle, but the elder shoved him away.

“Stop, don’t do this. They’re _ lying._” Chenle argued. His face was twisted in anger and despair. 

“Chenle,” Jisung tried, but Chenle shoved him away again. 

“Stop! Don’t touch me!” Chenle covered himself with his arms, shielding his upper body as his whole world crumbled around him. Jisung backed up in shock.

“Chenle, calm down,” Mark finally decided to intervene, but it did nothing to help.

“No! Get away from me,” Chenle had backed himself into a corner of the room. He sobbed hysterically as Johnny and Mark crowded around him, desperate to soothe their second youngest.

“Back up, you’re scaring him,” Jisung said with more composure than expected. Mark and Johnny looked like they wanted to argue, but when Chenle started trying to shove them away the two took several steps back. 

“Lele, let us help you, please.” Mark begged, getting down onto Chenle’s level.

“No, I want Renjun,” Chenle cried. “_Where are you, ge? They’re lying! They’re _ lying._” _ Chenle had slipped into Chinese. His eyes closed tightly and he sobbed without restraint. 

“Chenle, can you hear me?” Jisung whispered, shoving Johnny and Mark away to settle himself in front of Chenle. He was a few paces back, just enough so the boy didn’t panic.

“Jisung, I want Renjun,” Chenle was hyperventilating, his head jerking to the right as he tried to breathe. 

“I know, Lele.” Jisung responded, trying to bite back the sob in his throat. 

“Why--why? He was--he was here this morning. We ate breakfast---we ate together. He--he had cereal, right?” Chenle asked.

“Yeah, he did.” Jisung responded, swallowing thickly. 

“They were--were supposed to be--to be back. They said--they said they’d be gone--for a little bit.” Chenle said. 

Jisung lowered his head and let the tears fall.

“It hurts--Jisung, it _ hurts_,” Chenle pounded at his chest as he cried, and Jisung jumped up to cradle his friend to him. Finally, the elder didn’t shove him away. “_Renjun._” 

“I love you, Lele,” Jisung said. He had no idea what else to say. His brain was on autopilot as his heart tore itself to shreds. His dear friend, his brother in everything but blood, had been hit by a car. He had died, likely suffering and in pain. Jisung couldn’t bare the thought of Renjun scared as he lay there, losing his grip on life.

“Was anyone with him?” Jisung managed to ask.

“Donghyuck held him,” Mark answered. “He held him until he took his last breath. He was never alone.” 

“Okay,” Jisung said, burying his face in Chenle’s neck. They stayed bundled together for a while, long enough that Mark and Johnny excused themselves to speak to whoever had been standing at the door.

“He was--he was probably in so much _ pain_,” Chenle cried, voicing Jisung’s thoughts. “He knew Donghyuck was there, right? Was he awake? Did he _feel _it?”

“He knows now that Donghyuck was with him, even if he didn’t before. He knows.” Jisung tried to soothe. 

“Does he know how much I want to hit the person who hit him?” Chenle asked. Jisung sucked in a deep breath. “Because that’s horrible, and it’s not like me. He would be so upset with me.”

“Oh, Lele. He knows you’re just sad. He knows you would never hurt someone,” Jisung said.

“Why would someone--” Chenle growled, smacking his hands against his head. Jisung grabbed his hands and held them tightly, grabbing Chenle’s gaze with his own.

“Don’t hurt yourself. Please,” Jisung begged. 

“I just don’t understand.” Chenle said.

“I don’t either. I really don’t. I can’t even believe it’s real. I feel like I’m handling it like I am because there’s just no way. Renjun’s going to walk in the door and laugh at us for being cry babies.” Jisung admits, looking away from his friend in favor of counting the strands of fiber in the carpet.

“I want him here so bad, Jisungie.” Chenle whispers.

“Me too.” 

They were both silent. They held each other in that corner until the clock struck nine pm and someone came to check on them, bowls of soup and tall glasses of water on a tray. 

They didn’t speak one word to each other, even when Mark snuck his way back out of the room. No thank yous, no good nights, nothing. 

“Do you think Jaemin ever came back?” Chenle asked tiredly into Jisung’s soaked through hoodie. 

“I haven’t heard the door,” Jisung answered, worry prickling in his chest. What a fantastic day that would turn out to be if Jaemin never came home.

Jisung didn’t know if he’d be able to live with that.

“Let me get my phone, Lele,” Jisung said, and Chenle unwillingly uncurls himself from around Jisung. The younger hopped up and retrieved his phone from his bed before returning to the corner, letting Chenle resume his previous spot.

When Jisung opened his phone it was to ten missed calls from his mother, several unread texts from various members and SM artists, and even more calls from his manager. Jisung’s eyes narrowed in on one of the texts.

_ From - Nana: _Jisungie, hyung is okay. Don’t worry about me. I just need time, okay? I’ll be back, I promise. I’ll come and snuggle you tonight. You and Chenle can stay with me. I love you, I’ll see you soon.

It had been sent at 7:02.

“I’d check your phone, Lele,” Jisung said. “Jaemin messaged me.” Chenle was up and out of his arms before he even had the time to process. The boy left and returned, eyes scanning his phone for a moment before collapsing back down.

_ From - jaeminie hyung: _Lele, I love you. Hyung will be home soon, okay? I want you to breathe deep and strong, in four, out four, okay?

_ From - jaeminie hyung: _Chenle, Hyung is very worried for you. Please text me soon. I am on my way. 

_ From - jaeminie hyung: _Ten more minutes, Lele. 

The last message was sent at 9:05. Chenle began to cry again in earnest, his heart aching for his youngest hyung to be with them. He wanted Jaemin, Jeno, and Donghyuck. 

He wanted Renjun. 

The sound of the door opening was loud. Several voices shouted at the person that had just entered the dorm, but he didn’t stop until he’d thrown open the door to Jisung’s room. 

It was Jaemin, red eyed and puffy faced.

He didn’t say a word; he ran forward and collapsed in front of them, wrapping his arms around both of them as they cried.

He held them through their hysteria and answered all of their questions.

They were too young to experience this.

It was two months later that Jeno found Chenle, bleeding and dead eyed on the bathroom floor. 

Jeno had panicked, throwing himself down and grabbing the closest towel he could find and pressing it to the wounds.

“Chenle, what did you do?” Jeno cried out, blood already staining his own hand as he pressed the towel down. 

“I read something,” Chenle said, wistful and light. “It said that physical pain took away emotional. It worked, hyung. But only for a little bit.” 

Jeno sobbed and turned himself left and right looking for his phone. He’d left it in his room, and Chenle’s was nowhere to be seen.

“Help!” Jeno screamed, leaning his head out of the bathroom door. “Hyungs! Help!” It was Mark that ran into the room that day, wide eyes and panicked breathing the only thing Jeno could make out before he was gone again. 

An ambulance arrived ten minutes later.

They stitched Chenle up, forced him to see a psychiatrist in exchange for not staying in the psychology ward, and sent him home.

Jisung, Jaemin, and Donghyuck still didn’t know. Jeno didn’t think Jaemin or Donghyuck would survive something like that, and Jisung, well…

Jisung had his own problems.

**Author's Note:**

> Recently, I lost someone very important to me. It's part of the reason I have been flooding Archive with old requests and stories that came out of nowhere. I wrote the story Second Chances, because I wish I could bring the person I love back to me, and writing a happy ending I can never have is therapeutic. 
> 
> This is not a recount of what happened to me, (though I have written an exact one with Chenle and Jisung as main characters that I will likely never post) but there is a term in here used that hits me very hard. 
> 
> "Expired." When my dad passed away, I was told he was non-viable. When he was gone, he had expired. It felt very impersonal, and it's hard to convey the pain but also the...nothingness that comes from hearing something like expiration be applied to a human being. I tried my hardest to write that out as best I could, but truly I had no other reaction than Donghyuck himself. I went and said goodbye, I cried a lot, and then I was numb. 
> 
> I want to explain the almost coldness of that before someone says to me "but in r e a l life," nah. I know what they say in real life. I didn't gloss over anything except the fact Donghyuck likely would not have been permitted to see Renjun since he isn't family. (Oh well.) 
> 
> The next few people should be up next week. Have a good weekend!


End file.
